One of the most important choices a golfer can make is the choice of a golf club. Which club is the best?
My own personal choice is the one that has the best Long Island Iced Teas, short shorts on the female golf cart attendants and the oddest trophies on the wall of the club house.
But whether or not one chooses the five-iron or the lob wedge seems to be as important as finding the cure for a weekend hangover for some of you, so here we go...
The Driver (also known as the one wood or flibberdegibbet)
Arguably, it can be said that the driver is the most important club choice as breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I mean a good healthy southern breakfast consists of grits with plenty of butter, home-made biscuits and white gravy, pork in some form or another and coffee picked by Juan Valdez that is strong enough to win back our Confederacy without a shot being fired.
So, choosing the correct driver is simple...get the biggest, heaviest, more cholesterol-filled driver that money can buy and whack at it until you can get the ball 300 yards down the fairway.
Failing this, you should just hire a homeless guy to follow you around the course and throw a ball out on the fairway at the appropriate spot.
The Three Wood (also known as the smaller woodie):
This club has an inferiority complex and should just be left alone in the golf bag to sulk.
The Irons (also known as the irons):
The irons are numbered from 1 to 9 and can be arranged in the golf bag to form secret numerical ciphers that can then be used to subtract strokes from your scorecard. They are pretty much interchangeable, since no one can really use them to hit anything useful any meaningful distance.
The Pitching Wedge (also known as, you guessed it...the wedgie):
This club is used for snagging the under-shorts or opponents and causing them great humiliation and physical pain in the nether regions of their respective golf knickers.
The Sand Wedge (also known as the Super Wedgie)
See the explanation above except add sand in the knickers...ouchie! It can also be used for removing snakes from sand traps.
And last but certainly not least,
The Putter (affectionately known as Carson's pool cue):
The putter is best known of the golf clubs. All the other golf clubs like to be seen with the gregarious putter. The putter can be alone in the golf bag and in mere minutes other clubs will jump into the bag just to be with this friendly club. Even the word "putter" sounds cute.
One thinks about a small motorboat as it putters around a golf course lake like the 97 year-old man who is in front of you putters around the green trying to sink his 47th putt. It makes me want to putt his putter where Yankees put their doodle.
So, actually, the putter can just go hang out with the lob wedge...which I have not even figured out is a legal club, yet.
Matter of fact, I usually BREAK my putter after I twenty-five putt the 18th hole while losing to my arch nemesis, Ralph Scrapple.
Yes! I break that putter and throw it to the ground in a fit of rising blood pressure that could make Mount Saint Helens look like a teenaged zit eruption.
So, this concludes our session on golf club selection...Now, where are those Long Island Iced Teas?
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